One thing I hear a lot is, “I should have…”
I should have done more.
I should have handled that better.
I should know what to do.
We should be doing things differently.
But who says what we should or should not be doing?
There are certainly things that need to be considered. Safety matters. Care matters. The wellbeing of children, families, individuals and the people around us matters.
But the shoulds I am talking about are often the ones that come from comparing ourselves to someone else. What another family is doing. What another person seems able to manage. What another team thinks is the right way. What we have been told we should be doing, even when it does not quite fit the situation we are in.
Sometimes we become so focused on whether something is right or wrong that we forget to ask what is actually happening and what is needed.
For example, if a parent wants to co-sleep with their child, the question is not always whether they should or should not be doing it. It may be more helpful to ask: how can this be done safely, in a way that supports both the child and the parent?
The same can be true in other parts of life.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, perhaps the question is not, “Why can’t I manage this better?” but, “What is making this feel hard right now?”
If you are part of a team and things do not seem to be working, perhaps it is not about who is getting it wrong. Maybe it is about becoming curious together. What is happening in the space? What are people needing? What is getting in the way?
Doing what works does not mean ignoring responsibility or doing whatever feels easiest in the moment. It means making space to look at the whole picture rather than following an expectation simply because it is what we think we are meant to do.
What happens if we just be?
What happens if we stop and do not need permission from someone else?
What if we allowed ourselves to be in the moments without the constant thought of, “I should be doing…”
What if, when life is busy, we did not put more pressure on ourselves to do more or be more?
It can be difficult. We are surrounded by messages about what we should be doing, how we should be parenting, working, leading, coping and living. It is easy to compare ourselves and feel like we are falling short.
But perhaps noticing the “should” is a place to begin.
Where has it come from?
Is it really true for me, my family or my team?
Is it helping?
And what might I notice if I put it down, even just for a moment?
Sometimes we do need to make changes. Sometimes we need support to work out what is not working and why. But we do not always need to begin from the place of not being enough.
Maybe we can begin with curiosity instead.
