What happens when we begin to look beneath the surface; not only at what may be happening for someone else, but at what is happening within ourselves?
Tuning in is not always easy.
As parents, caregivers or professionals, we can be busy juggling many things at once. We may not feel that we have the time or space to stop and notice what is happening within us.
Do we notice when we are tired, hungry, worried, sad or excited?
Do we recognise what happens in our bodies when these feelings arise? How might they influence the way we speak, listen and respond to the people around us?
When a feeling surfaces that we do not like, what do we do with it?
Do we push it aside? Do we sit with it and feel uncomfortable? Do we try to rush ourselves out of it or change it in some way?
Perhaps sometimes we simply do not know what to do with the feeling. It feels too hard or uncomfortable, so we try to move away from it.
This leaves me wondering what happens when we are alongside someone else who is experiencing a feeling that is difficult to sit with.
Do we try to move them out of it because we think it is uncomfortable for them, or because it is uncomfortable for us?
What are we hoping to achieve in that moment?
Sometimes, when we do not like how something makes us feel, we can be in a hurry to make it better. We might reassure, offer solutions, change the subject or try to find a way forward.
These responses often come from a place of care. We want the other person to feel better.
But what if, in trying to make things better, we move away from what is happening?
What might happen if we stayed alongside the feeling for a little longer?
Could we sit with some of our own discomfort without needing to immediately change the experience for the other person?
Perhaps we could name that we do not quite know what to do or say, while still letting them know that we are there.
This is part of the complexity of human feelings and what we do with them.
It also leaves me thinking about how we support children and young people to understand and express their feelings when we are still learning how to understand our own.
Children notice how the adults around them respond to emotion. They notice whether sadness is allowed, whether anger needs to disappear quickly and whether uncertainty can be tolerated.
They may not always have the words to tell us what is happening, but their behaviour can show us that something is being felt.
When we become more aware of what is happening within ourselves, perhaps we have more choice in how we respond. We may be able to pause before reacting, to remain curious and to stay present without needing to have an immediate answer.
What might change if we asked ourselves:
What am I feeling in this moment?
What am I finding difficult to sit with?
Am I responding to what this person needs? or to my own need to make the discomfort go away?
‘Tuning in’ does not mean we always know what to do.
It does begin with noticing what is happening within us and a willingness to stay alongside another person for a little longer.
What is possible when there is a safe and supportive space to pause and notice what is happening within us and be with what feels difficult for a little longer?
In our work, we support children, parents and professionals to gently explore the stickiness that can sit beneath the surface, together we make space for feelings, and become curious about patterns and behaviours, finding ways to reconnect with themselves and others.
If this reflection resonates with you, you are welcome to get in touch and explore how we may support you
Leora Aksman-Glosz
